Harry Potty and the Chamberpot of Secrets
by Cashmeritan
Summary: Warning! Very OOC and EXTREMELY hyper and funny! When Harry finds out that he must retrieve a chamber pot from the chamber of secrets, he endures CHAOS, and . . . romance! and weird smells!


_**Hello! -waves frantically, then falls over- I'm kind of new to writing harry potter fan fictions, seeing as I come from -points in a very far away direction- writing Teen Titans! Soo...HI! I had this idea earlier in school, but it's not really an idea . . . it's more of an . . . ADDICTION! YEAH! ADDICTIONS- WHEEEE!**_

_**As you can tell, I am a very hyperactive young 12 year old, who still suffers from Seventh Grade AND Reading Projects . . .**_

_**But that doesn't mean I can't take my hyper ness out on you poor, poor individuals who must feel my squirrelly WRATH!**_

_**WARNING! EXTREME OOC-NESS!**_

_**Harry Potty and the Chamber-Pot of Secrets**_

**by**

_**eMOTIV a.k.a. Mari-Chan**_

**Chapter 1:**

_**Why Must the Sofas Die Young?**_

_**x**_

**DISCLAIMER: **_Sadly, I do not own Harry Potter, or any references to any shows, books, or movies that you may find in this chapter, or any chapter, of HPATCPOS . . . Wow . . . Just those 7 . . . or 8 . . . letters being spoken as if in a sentence is already a mouthful. -walks off pondering- OH! I DONT EVEN OWN THIS COMPUTER! 'TIS MY MUM'S!_

_x_

"No, Ron, I DON'T want to know WHY on EARTH the Gingerbread-Man stole a bottle of beer from the blind old monk at Abbey's . . . Whatever it's called," Harry repeated for the millionth time in a highly annoyed tone, as he lowered the quill he held in his hand, which had been ready to copy down Hermione's homework which had just been RANDOMLY lying on the food table, while Hermione RANDOMLY walked around RANDOMLY . . . doing things I really don't want to know, but were not perverted and wow this is a really long sentence . . .

Ron frowned. He had been gorging himself with muffins, waffles, pancakes, and other random breakfast foods, while imploring Harry if he wanted to know why the Ginger-Man stole a bottle of ketchup from a deaf old dog at Becky's . . . Whatever it's called. The red-headed teen shook his hair out of his eyes, swallowing the mound of food that remained semi-clogged in his throat. "But Harry," he said, "It's VERY important! And factual!"

"Factual? How can anything involving a COOKIE be factual?" Hermione chose this moment, out of all moments, to breeze by the two boys, eyebrow cocked. "I mean, it IS a cookie right?"

"No . . . Actually, it's a muffin," Ron corrected her, handing her a muffin. "You know the cooks here? They have niiiiice muffins," he said dreamily. Hermione swatted the muffin-offering hand away.

"HARRY!" she screamed at the boy, sitting across from him.

Harry looked up at her slowly, lowering his quill for the second time in 2 moments. "What," he said in a dry, flat, and also threatening voice.

Hermione blinked, then shrugged, shaking her bushy head. "DONNO!" And she turned to Ron, grabbing a muffin out of his hands, while Ron let out a whimper of anguish. I mean, he had his mouth open to bite into it and EVERYTHING! But Hermione just HAD to steal the buh-loody moofin.

"That was my buh-loody muffin!" Ron cried, standing up and bursting into hot, dramatic tears. Hermione rolled her eyes, replying, "It's just a muffin, Ron."

"HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?FDKLGJFKGJSDKJDFSDSJ IT WAS MORE THAN A MUFFIN! IT WAS MY . . ." And suddenly, Ron's eyes became cold, and large, and his hair disappeared, as his skin grayed and he shrank in size and weight, (No offense, fatty Ron-Ron), and a Golem-Poser stood before Harry and Hermione, clutching a muffin close to his heart.

Both of his 'friends' raised their eyebrows, exchanging quick, confused glances, as Ron coughed repeatedly, as if he were trying to hack a hairball out.

"WEASLEY," Ron coughed, and said "MY . . . PREEEEECIOUSSSS!" Purring, he held the muffin closer.

Everyone in the world backed away from their computer screens slowly, and Ron -poofed!-, reappearing in his normal state, sitting in front of the others. "And THAT," he said, "is why you do NOT attempt to steal my muffins."

Hermione nodded quickly, but she fought the urge to admit to Ron that he looked pretty damn sexy in that Golem costume . . . While Harry was just plain disgusted.

Ginny ran over to them, eyeballs bulging out of her head, and she was waving her skinny arms frantically, as if trying to take off into flight, into the wild, glass-roofed, brown yonder. (I'm talking about the ceiling, friends.) Ron cleared his throat, setting his food down on the plate for a moment.

Ginny looked at Harry, blushed a bright scarlet, burst into tears, and ran away. Harry blinked for a moment, looking at Hermione and Ron for help. But it was then, that he realized that the two had run off, and were probably necking eachother in the Room of Requirement, which was probably now providing them a bed . . .

Cho walked past Harry, and farted.

Harry immediately found out that he would never, ever be turned on by her again.

Until 5 minutes had passed.

After those 5 minutes passed, and Harry was attracted to Cho distantly again, he stood up, running around the school in a manner that very much resembled Julie Andrews's performance in 'The Sound of Music', which alas, I do not own.

The other students walking in the halls formed 2 lines on either sides of the hallway, doing the can-can, while Harry danced along the middle. Hell, even PEEVES was dancing, but he had a crush on Nearly Headless Nick, who was holding onto him while doing the can-can, so he was a very happy dead dude.

Then, Harry broke out into song.

"THE HAAAAAALLS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIIIIVE! WITH THE SOUUUUUUNNDDDD OF CHIIIICKKKKKKENNNNSSSSSSSS!" Harry sang in a dramatically . . . enchanting soprano singing voice, and the students dancing along either side of the hall-way threw in little 'Ooooooooh's and 'Laaaaaaaaa's.

And then, Harry ran into a large figure, and looking up slowly, he gasped, as did the other can-can dancing students/ghosts, as they realized that alas, (i love that word), it was Snape, raising an eyebrow.

"Becoming in touch with your inner female, EHHHHH POTTER!" Snape asked suspiciously. "You know, your father used to do that alllllll the timeekfjkfjkdlsjfdl!"

Harry blinked. "I'm, uh, sure he did, Snape." He patted the Professor on the back awkwardly, while a bra fell out from Snape's robes. Eyes widening, he looked up at the teacher, expecting an explanation.

Snape acted like nothing happened, and that was when it hit Harry that Professor Snivellus Snape was wearing MASCARA! And he really did look like Trent Reznor . . . just, without the makeup. WITH the makeup? He looked like a wrinkly ol' lady. But I ain't callin' Trent old, or a lady. So there.

Harry bolted off, arms waving frantically just like Ginny's had been randomly a few moments ago. He was screaming at the top of his lungs, "MY POTION'S TEACHER IS A CROSS-DRESSER!" But then he realized that Snape was EVERYONE'S potion's masterI MEAN! TEACHER . . . (XD But I bet he's YOUR potion's masterrr, isn't he, my friend?)

Professor McGonnagolljkjjkjkljhuhgygf or however you spell it, grabbed Harry, eyes glazed over like she was drunk, or dazed 'n confused or something, and she shouted "GO TO THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS! THERE IS SOME SPIFFY STUFF FOR YOU TO DO!"

Yes, she said spiffy. Afterall, this IS a very OOC ff, is it not, my friend? . . . YA KNOW, I'M STARTIN' TO WONDER, ARE YA REALLY MY FRIEND?1111ELEVENTYFORTY354352!

Harry watched as his Transfiguration teacher bounded off, and the Sound of Music music came to a close, as he blinked.

"Chamber of Secrets? Does that mean it must be re-opened?" he asked himself out loud so the reader could read it.

Then he gasped "GASP! MAYBE I AM A TRANSVESTITE CARROT! . . . Or maybe I should just go bug Hermione repeatedly! That always works!"

x-x-x-x-x

A/N: What to say . . . OKEE! BAIIIII!


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